Overwhelmed By Motherhood And What Now?

My grandmother is in the hospital. My father, her closest able-bodied relative, has been at her house since the weekend and is exhausted. We’re not sure exactly what is going on right now but it looks like an assisted living facility is going to have to be seriously considered for her, which will go over like a lead cloud.

My uncle is also in the hospital and it’s not looking good. At all. I’m slightly concerned that the only things my daughter wants to eat, ever, are peanut butter and jelly and turkey and cheese sandwiches, bowls of cereal and oatmeal, noodles with butter and Kraft Dinner. Mealtimes with her are getting increasingly difficult as she gets older, bossier, and more belligerent. Dave is swamped at work, absolutely swamped, which is making him cranky.

So when I asked him at 7.30 this morning to please run to the corner store for the soy milk he promised to get last night because it was pouring rain and the kids were still in their Jammes and Oliver always has a bottle in the morning, and mentioned I was sure the good people he works with would manage to live without him for the five extra minutes getting me the f***ing carton of soy milk he was supposed to get me yesterday would take, it didn’t go over well.

Great start to the day. Shortly thereafter I noticed a rather large lump on Oliver’s neck, just below his ear, sticking out like a sore thumb like the way the lump on my mom’s neck that turned out to be cancer stuck out. It was big and hard and I took a few deep breaths and swallowed the rising oh god oh god there is a lump on my sweet baby boy’s neck oh god oh god before I called the doctor and booked an appointment for this afternoon.

I told myself that freaking out and what if-ing was not an option and only had to fight back tears once, when he turned his head into my chest and put his hand on my cheek while I gave him his naptime bottle and rested my head on his, smelling his sweet baby boy smell.

Lump-wise, he checked out fine – it’s a normal part of the skull that in Oliver’s case is sticking out because the lymph node is resting right on top of it – something to keep an eye on but not to worry about. I wish I could have a little life of my own. I’m not asking for too much, just a tiny bit, please.

However, my doctor is concerned about Oliver’s bowels and the fact that he’s yet to ever have a solid movement. His diapers are still messy, foul-smelling explosions and two small patches of eczema popped up recently under his chin, which is what tipped us off months ago to his breast milk sensitivity.

Dave and I cut out dairy from his diet, put him back on soy milk and started keeping a record of what he’s eating on a daily basis and my doctor wants him to go for another round of allergy testing. If that doesn’t reveal anything, he’ll be sent to a pediatrician to look into digestive issues, such as IBS or Chrons. Lovely. I’ve felt so overwhelmed the last two weeks with like, life, and right now I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Gimme less stuff. Gimme more life!